


i’ll try

by hakhee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coffee Shops, Love, M/M, Self-Hatred, doyoung is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 01:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hakhee/pseuds/hakhee
Summary: “i’m selfish. i only care about me, and yuta doesn’t deserve that.”





	i’ll try

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a little drabble i wrote to practice my dialogue, but i ended up liking it a lot. so, enjoy this little sad/soft thingy. feel free to leave any criticism in the comments!

“you know yuta’s in love with you, right?” doyoung said one day, sipping his coffee and reclining into the hard wooden chair he was sitting in. taeil remained silent, deliberately picking at the loose skin surrounding his nails until doyoung sighed and spoke again. “that’s what i thought.”

there was a brief silence that lingered suffocatingly between the two that taeil broke begrudgingly. “yuta, he’s-“ he paused for a minute, struggling to find the right word. “complicated. just when i think i have him figured out, he springs something on me and then my thoughts are all knotted up again and i can’t figure them out.”

doyoung snorted. “what’s complicated about him? yuta’s like, the most simple person on earth. he’s clear as glass.”

taeil tapped his fingernails on the table lightly, giving himself a moment to think. “you don’t know him like i do. you peel away at the layers and everything gets more complex, convoluted and confusing. so, yeah, i know he’s in love with me, but it isn’t as simple as that. that’s just the very surface layer.”

“help me out here, taeil. i’m lost, what makes it so difficult?”

taeil sighed and folded his hands on top of the table, before turning so he was facing doyoung directly. “if i could love him with no complications, i would. all i want is for him to be happy. that’s just the thing, though. no matter how much yuta loves me, if we were actually together it wouldn’t be as easy as it seems,” doyoung furrowed his eyebrows and gestured for taeil to continue. “he doesn’t go a single moment in his life thinking about himself. he chips away at himself every day and after being around him for so long, i can see that. being with me would only hurt him.”

he truly did want to be with yuta. he had loved the man for longer than he could remember, and being with him sounded like a dream come true. the only problem was, they wouldn’t be good for each other. taeil knew it, when he looked in yuta’s eyes and saw so much love. he knew, deep inside, that he would never be able to return the love yuta gave to him so selflessly.

“i’m selfish. i only care about me, and yuta doesn’t deserve that. he deserves someone who would give up everything for him, and that person isn’t me. in my heart, i know that i couldn’t do that for anyone.”

doyoung sighed and took a long sip of his coffee. taeil turned his eyes away from his friend, and towards the table. he traced the pattern of the table, waiting for doyoung to agree with him. waiting for him to say that taeil was right, he didn’t deserve yuta. doyoung was smart. he would know what was right.

“you know what? you’re right. you are selfish.”

taeil gripped his cup tighter and squeezed his eyes closed. it was what he was waiting for, but for some reason it hurt more when it actually came out of doyoung’s mouth. it stung, like a dull pain in his heart.

“you’re selfish because you think you can decide what other people deserve,” taeil looked up in surprise. “the only person who gets to decide what yuta deserves is yuta himself. it’s not fair of you to make him out to be this weak person who can’t make decisions for himself.”

“i-i’m not!” taeil sputtered out.

doyoung snorted, and that pain in taeil’s heart returned. “yes, you are. yuta is not weak. in fact, he might be one of the strongest people i know. he does deserve you, because he deserves to love someone unconditionally. and you, taeil, deserve to have someone who can love you how you can’t love yourself.”

with that, doyoung stood up. he took his coffee cup and threw it in the trash, and took one last glance at taeil. “please. just think about it.”

and he did. he sat at that table in that café for hours, despite the odd looks from baristas, unable to take his mind off of what doyoung had said. he felt like a fool, for unknowingly being so cruel to yuta. all he wanted was to love him, but taeil didn’t let himself be loved. he disguised his own self hate as keeping yuta safe. there was only one way to fix what he had done.

so, he stood up and walked out of the café with a newfound confidence. he was going to allow himself to be happy. 

finally.


End file.
